I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
