He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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