Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
