Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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