No more Irish car bombs ever.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Everyone says I win the strip club
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
