I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Only a mothe r could love this liver
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Found your dick twin last night
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
