Define "chronic" masturbator.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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