The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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