When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
