there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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