i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging