There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
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It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
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Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD