I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
