I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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