I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
