i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
