Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
