i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Sober January is a disaster.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
