As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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