she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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