I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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