So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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