remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
