soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
