im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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