I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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