I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
