So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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