I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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