i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
