While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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