I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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