My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
