I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
