remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
