i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
