either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
