is your mom at the bar?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
