T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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