Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
