I seem to have left my pride at pride
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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