i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
