I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I lost the right to judge tonight
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
