Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
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If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
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There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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