I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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