lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
