I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
