I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
wanna go halves on a baby?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
