Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Mom said you looked used
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
