you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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