this beer tastes like vomit already
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
