Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You pole danced in your parka.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
