Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
