SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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