perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
