Will you blow on my dice?
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
