We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
